October 28, 2022

 

October 28, 202

    The first time I got drunk, I was thirteen. I was hanging out with a girl who was in my grade but a year old than I was. We were at her cousin's or her sister's house; I can't quite remember. We lied about my age, and I started drinking spiced Captain Morgan's rum with Coke. I also can't quite remember how many I had, or how I started to feel, or why I kept drinking when I knew I didn't like the taste and had to force it down. The specifics are hazy, for obvious reasons, and one of the next things I remember I was in the bathroom, hanging off the toilet, puking up all the alcohol I had just drank. I remember sleeping on the floor, in this random house, and feeling like I had done something good. I have finally gotten drunk.

    I wish I could tell my thirteen year-old self that this wasn't an accomplishment. It wasn't something to be proud of. The drinking continued for a long time after that night. Throughout my teenage years I often found myself in situation that could have ended badly. I was regularly puking, blacking out, and finding myself in the company of those that I didn't truly know or trust. I thought I was having the time of my life, I was constantly with my friends, drinking, laughing, having fun. I thought I was mature, cool, not just a teenager. When all I needed to be was a kid.

    When I was sixteen, I lost my virginity. An adult in my life had introduced me to someone they knew, who was 21 at the time. In my head, I thought I could handle an emotional and physical connection with someone five years older than me. I now know that I could not, I could not truly consent to this relationship, I was only a child. This was something that I couldn't come to terms with for a long time. Soon after that relationship ended, I started sleeping with someone who was also much older than me. Thinking I was in control, thinking that I was making the calls. To be an adult looking back on this time, my heart truly hurts for the girl I was. I wanted to make my place so badly, that I was willing to do anything I could to fit in. To feel grown up.

    Last night, I had a truly good time without alcohol for maybe the first time ever. In the last year, I have become increasingly sober curious, and have read blogs, books, articles, anything I can. The feeling of being out with my friends, laughing at jokes, while also knowing that I was in complete control of myself was incredible. There were certain moments where I wish I could have had a drink, but I didn't. Waking up this morning, feeling good, knowing that my friends probably woke up with a headache was freeing. 

    I recently read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace, and I do believe that it created a shift in my thinking when it comes to alcohol. Not drinking is something that I get to do. I never have to wake up with another hangover. I never have to wake up and wonder if I said something that I'll regret. I'll never have to put the pieces of the night back together in my brain.

    Remembering this feeling is essential. This feeling is what will get me through.